Kent residents secretly delighted they don’t have to bother washing

Despite feigning anger, locals impacted by water outages across the South East are actually thrilled by the liberation of living in a post-hygiene society.

“It’s really rather exciting!” admitted Bidborough resident Simon Williams. “The social pressure to be clean all the time and not go to work smelling like Bear Grylls’ armpit has completely disappeared.

“We’ve moved beyond petty arguments about who does the laundry or how to load the dishwasher.

“There’ll be no more expensive dental bills as we simply let our teeth decay and crumble into dust.

“I hadn’t realised how bland tap water was until I sampled the joys of dirty rainwater.

“Best of all, the stress of the kids’ bath time has vanished. Now we just let them calm down before bed by letting them play Roblox for an hour. It’s so much easier.

“I can honestly say that not having a supply of safe, clean water is the best thing that’s ever happened to us. The boss of South East Water should receive a particularly high bonus this year. The man’s a genius – he’s made us all see the light and released us from the straight jacket of personal hygiene.

“I can’t wait to see what happens next. Perhaps food supplies will run out and we’ll all resort to cannibalism.

“Exciting!”

A spokesman for South East Water said, “We’ll be turning the supply back on now. We don’t want our customers to be happy.”

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