Keir Starmer flies to US to give Donald Trump his cycling proficiency badge

Sir Keir Starmer has flown to Washington on an overnight transatlantic mission to present Donald Trump with the highest honour he currently has available: a cycling proficiency badge he earned in the late 1980s.

The Prime Minister reportedly sprang into action after seeing Venezuelan opposition figure María Corina Machado hand Trump her Nobel Peace Prize medal, prompting aides to panic-search Starmer’s loft for “anything remotely medal-shaped” to ensure he stays in Trump’s good graces.

After ruling out a commemorative mug from the 2012 London Olympics and a slightly cracked participation trophy from a 5k charity fun run in 2003, officials settled on the cycling proficiency badge — awarded to Starmer at the age of 22 for successfully indicating before a right-hand turn and “showing good road awareness near a Pelican crossing.”

Sources say the badge has now been mounted in a heavy gilded frame, engraved with the words “For Services to Crossing the Road Safely”, and placed inside a velvet-lined presentation case normally reserved for visiting heads of state, or very emotional dogs.

“Look, María Corina gave him a Nobel Peace Prize,” said one senior government figure, “which will turn Trump’s head because he likes presents.

“Keir doesn’t have a Nobel prize – or anything close to a Nobel prize. What he does have is a laminated certificate signed by a man called Mr Wilkins from the Islington Borough Cycling Safety Scheme, and frankly that’s the best Britain can offer the leader of the free world right now.”

Starmer personally handed the badge over to Trump while explaining, at length, that it demonstrates responsibility, rules-based cycling, and a deep respect for painted white lines. Values Labour believes will resonate strongly with the president.

Trump is reportedly “thrilled,” having already asked whether the badge can be upgraded to gold, and whether it qualifies him to ride a bike on Fifth Avenue “without a helmet, because I have great balance, probably the best balance. I could have won the Tour de France, you know.”

Back in London, Labour aides insist the gesture does not reek of desperation.

“This is about rebuilding the special relationship,” one said. “And if that means Keir giving away his last tangible achievement involving joy, wheels, and personal freedom, then so be it.”

Starmer is understood to be keeping the matching reflective armband “in case things really get serious.”

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