US military strikes Venezuelan charity rowers after tip-off from Rupert Lowe

The US government have apologised for an airstrike on a group of Venezuelan charity rowers following a tip-off from former Reform MP Rupert Lowe.

Despite providing no evidence, the US government carried out their fifth strike on vessels accused of trafficking drugs off the coast of Venezuela this week. However, the US admits they may have been a bit hasty in taking out the charity rowers. 

“We wholeheartedly regret blowing up the rowers,” said US Secretary of Defence Pete Hegseth. 

“I’ll be the first person to put my hands up and say that we probably should’ve done a bit more research before firing the missiles. It’s just that Rupert Lowe sounded so convincing on the phone that we decided to take immediate action and blow them to smithereens.

“Our bad.

“In hindsight, the UNICEF logo on the side of the boats was probably a slight giveaway that they weren’t actually drug traffickers. Also, the UNICEF logo on their jackets. Oh, and don’t forget the UNICEF logo on their hats, the UNICEF logo on their gloves and the UNICEF logo on their oars. They were big clues as well. 

“All I can say is next time I promise we’ll look a bit closer before deciding to splatter them into a million pieces.”

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