Conservative Party apparently still a thing, conference reveals

The entire nation is in shock this afternoon following the stunning revelation that the Conservative Party is apparently still a thing.

It follows the latest news from the Conservative Party conference in Manchester, where leader Kemi Badenoch announced that not only were the Tories still a thing, but they were also deluded enough to think they could win the next general election.

“No way!” said local man Simon Williams, learning of the Tory party’s continued existence.

“Are you seriously telling me that the Conservative Party is still going? I thought they were long gone, like Wimpy or Lilt. I’m pretty sure the last time I Googled ‘Conservative Party’ it came up with an error message saying ‘page not found’.

“Wow, good for them. I genuinely thought they’d faded into the abyss. And you’re telling me they have a conference and everything? I bet there were loads of people there. You probably couldn’t tell the difference between that and a Taylor Swift concert, could you? Oh, it was just empty chairs? It can only get better I suppose.

“Oh well. At least they have a competent leader who insists she never makes any gaffes, like thinking Northern Ireland voted to leave the EU or spelling ‘Britain’ wrong on a chocolate bar.”