Doing fascist things not fascism, insists fascist

A man repeatedly supporting activities historically associated with fascism has today doubled down on his insistence that he does not, in fact, “support fascism,” and that anyone suggesting otherwise is “probably a communist who hates freedom.”

Chuck Williams, who asked not to be named, and was wearing three different eagle motifs at the time, dismissed accusations that the United States now ticks most of Laurence W. Britt’s 14 defining characteristics of fascism.

“Fascism? Us? Don’t be ridiculous,” he scoffed, as police helicopters circled overhead during a protest against genocide.

“Sure, we’ve got a powerful nationalism movement, complete with flags so large they could blot out the sun, but that’s just patriotism. Totally different thing. If we were fascist, we’d also hav… oh wait, number two is ‘disdain for human rights’? Okay, well, yes, fine, but only if you count stripping reproductive rights, LGBTQ+ rights, voting rights, asylum rights and the right to not get shot in school. Which I don’t, because that’s just ‘freedom maintenance’.”

When pressed further, Williams waved away several other characteristics of fascism.

“A controlled mass media? Don’t make me laugh. We’ve got Fox News, which bravely tells the truth about how left-wing Marxist librarians are plotting to replace white Christian values with vegan drag queens. Just because they do exactly what the president wants doesn’t make them ‘controlled’. If that’s fascism, then I guess I’m Mussolini in a MAGA hat. Ha! Just kidding. Mussolini was Italian. And also, we have Tucker Carlson, so checkmate.”

The conversation took a turn when the fascism list’s point about obsession with national security was raised.

“Being overly concerned about national security is not fascist,” Williams protested. “It’s just common sense. That’s why we spend more on the military than the next ten countries combined. Not fascism, just being cautious in case Luxembourg gets any big ideas.”

At this point, Williams grew visibly irritated when confronted with the bullet point on corporate power being protected.

“How dare you suggest that billionaires controlling government policy is fascism! It’s capitalism, which is the opposite of fascism. Totally different. That’s why pharmaceutical companies write their own legislation while oil barons fund senators, and why billionaires are welcomed into the heart of government to enact whatever cuts they see fit to ensure their lucrative contracts continue unabated.

“Nothing fascist about that, no sir.”

When “disdain for intellectuals and the arts” came up, he became even more animated.

“Look, if universities are full of woke professors teaching kids that slavery was bad, and if books are sneaking in dangerous ideas like empathy, then of course we’re going to ban them. That’s not fascism; it’s just good housekeeping. Marie Kondo would be proud.”

As the list went on, the excuses piled higher. Rampant sexism? “That’s just traditional family values.” Religion and government intertwined? “God wrote the Constitution, so that doesn’t count.” Fraudulent elections? “If the results favour us, they’re obviously fair. If not, it’s fraud. Democracy 101.”

By the time “obsession with crime and punishment” came up, Williams had run out of patience entirely.

“We only imprison more people than any other country because Americans are simply better at being criminals. Again, not fascism, just excellence in our chosen field.”

At the conclusion of the interview, as Williams saluted a giant flag while muttering about immigrants, he reiterated his point.

“Listen, fascism is bad. Therefore, we can’t be fascist, because we are good. Case closed.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go chant ‘Lock Them Up’ with my church group before this evening’s book burning.”

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