Hosepipe bans imposed after water companies fear they can’t guarantee the smooth dumping of raw sewage

The unprecedented number of heatwaves has forced water companies across the country to impose hosepipe bans as low river flow threatens the daily discharge of human excrement that is absolutely vital to the ability of shareholders to buy shiny new stuff.

Water firms such as Thames Water and South East Water have apologies for the decision, and insisted the hope to soon resume giving interesting skin diseases to wild swimmers.

Simon Williams is a spokesperson for the water industry, and he told us, “For the past five years we have worked round the clock to make sure our rivers are constantly flowing with human shit. And that work paid off as our disgustingly safe EU rivers are now patriotic breeding grounds for British cholera.

“But if the rivers dry up then all that crap will pile up near the runoff pipes, or worse, have to be processed at a sewage treatment plant. That could spell the death of the new strains of typhus we were creating for all to enjoy.

“We don’t like hosepipe bans. All of our senior managers belong to golf clubs. But we have no choice but to get our customers to stop washing their Skodas and watering their pathetic tiny gardens with trampolines in them.”

Asked if maybe they would try to do anything to limit the billions of litres lost to leakages every day due to poorly maintained infrastructure, Mr Williams explained this was not the time.

“Replacing Victorian era pipes like we promised when we bought these monopolies decades ago is a complex affair that is simply not feasible due to outside factors like the St Tropez boat show opening soon and us wanting to upgrade to something in the fifty-foot range.”

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