Record fine sees Thames Water pledge to find cheaper ways to pour raw sewage into our rivers

Thames Water has responded to a record £122.7 million fine by boldly pledging to find “more cost-effective methods” of dumping raw sewage into the UK’s rivers, lakes, and possibly local birdbaths.

The company, which serves a quarter of the UK’s population and roughly 100% of its intestinal backlash, was fined for dishing out shareholder payouts like candy and treating human waste like it’s a gift for the trout.

“We hear the public’s concerns,” said a Thames Water spokesperson, while knee-deep in untreated effluent.

“That’s why we’re innovating new ways to cut costs while maintaining our commitment to regular, unannounced faecal discharges across southern England.”

The firm has long been criticised for prioritising dividend payments and executive bonuses over trivial matters like fixing the Victorian pipe system held together by algae and optimism. Insiders now reveal the company has explored options including “buckets on a pulley system” and “getting a bloke called Dave to dig a channel with his foot”.

Environmentalists argue the fines should’ve been used to actually clean up the mess, but Thames insists that’s “not financially viable” given its £20 billion debt and aggressive new strategy to invest only in building regret.

Ofwat, the regulator, assured the public that the fines will be paid by shareholders and “definitely not recouped via your water bill rising faster than a turd in a paddling pool.”

Thames Water now hopes to secure new investment from financial institutions with a high tolerance for risk, low regard for fish, and a deep love of irony.

Meanwhile, British rivers are reportedly considering legal action on the grounds of being “emotionally damaged by decades of unsolicited sewage exposure”.

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