Panicked nation holds its breath as Keir Starmer recklessly abandons new office to prepare Friday night family meal

Ignoring dire warnings from perfectly rational Tory campaigners with absolutely all of their marbles – the UK electorate chose to elect Keir Starmer in a landslide, and must now watch on in horror as he prepares dinner for his family on a Friday evening.

Scrambling to diffuse a potential constitutional crisis, Labour officials fully briefed GCHQ and placed them on high alert as the potentially catastrophic Friday night dinner draws ever closer. 

Sources in Russia suggested Putin is considering mobilising naval forces north of the Shetland islands just as the Starmers are expected to be tucking into dessert, with Simonov Willianeski of Russian high command briefing, “As soon as it is spoons down on the Jaffa cake flavoured mousse, we move…”

North Korea also announced plans to capitalise on the confusion caused by Keir spending 17 minutes preparing a hello fresh meal with a series of incursions into the DMZ.

More worryingly, however, it is understood that the Dave Matthews Band was also planning to release new material between the hours of 6pm and 7:15pm while the country was, effectively, leaderless and unable to rapidly mobilise counter-defences.

Political commentators across the board were quick to condemn Starmer’s insistence on organic human contact, with the Daily Mail claiming, “Political leaders should only ever consume food in the presence of photographers, like during stage-managed events where they use their innate relatability to eat a Greggs pasty in a totally natural way.

“If they become thirsty they should then pull the worst fucking pint you’ve ever seen in your life and then awkwardly sip from it.”

Adding a chilling warning, “He’s not planning on sleeping is he? How can a country be run by a man who routinely shuts his eyes and does nothing for hours on end?”

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