Tory election campaign reaches conclusion with final ‘please don’t humiliate us’ plea to voters

The Conservative election campaign has reached its crescendo with a plea to voters not to completely humiliate them at the polls tomorrow.

With a very real chance that the Tories could be pushed into third place behind the Lib Dems, there is a growing sense of optimism that the Conservative party as we know it could be entirely obliterated.

Rishi Sunak tweeted this morning, “Please, don’t humiliate us. We get it, we’re going to lose, but please don’t make it one of those defeats that people will be talking about long after we’re all dead and buried.

“I can accept losing, but my kids will have to see this. I will have to look my parents in the eyes while we both know I oversaw the most disastrous electoral performance by a sitting government since records began.

“Do we really need dozens and dozens of Portillo moments as high-profile Tories get their arses handed to them?

“We do? Really?

“At this point, the electorate is just being cruel. Unecessarily so. There is no need for it. We’re losing tomorrow, yes. We know that. You know that. So why rub it in by decimating our parliamentary presence?

“Why not let us leave office with a shred of dignity?

“Is it because we’ve taken away the dignity of millions of vulnerable people over the last decade? Are you still going on about that?

“You are. Right. Gotcha.”

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