Compassionate Conservatives attack disastrous record of heartless Tory bastards

author avatar by 3 weeks ago

In the final day of the General Election campaign, kind Tory politicians who see eye-to-eye with average Brits have promised they would do all they can to reverse the horrific effects of fourteen years of cruel and ineffective policies by the vicious privately-schooled arseholes of the Conservative Party.

CCHQ spokesperson Simon Williams urged people to vote Conservative and sent the Tories a message they would never forget.

He told reporters, “We need to vote Conservative and say ‘enough’ to Tory austerity policies that have victimised the most vulnerable in our society. To say ‘no’ the law-breaking and cronyism that has played a central part in the last government. To say ‘no more’ to the relentless hammering on living standards and the highest tax burden in living memory.

“If you return a decisive conservative majority to parliament, you will be making a clear statement that the country has had enough of the Tories and their failed experiment with extreme-liberalism.”

Mr Williams denied it was a bit rich for the Conservatives to run on a platform that attacked their own record and said it was actually what made the Tories the natural choice for voters angry with the way the country has been devastated by Thatcherite policies.

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“No party can better fix the NHS than the one that broke it the first place. Nobody understands more why we need more police officers than the very people who cut 20,000 of them. If you wanted to solve the problem of rough sleepers, who better to ask than the politicians who put them out on the streets in the first place?”

Mr Williams said that the public could trust the current PM to joyfully attack the very ideas he has publicly espoused all his life.

“Remember, the Conservative party of Rishi Sunak is very different to the Tory party of Boris Johnson and Liz Truss. Any resemblance is entirely coincidental.”

I enjoyed a front row seat to the Tory Annihilation of Summer 2024

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