“Everyone I know is voting Reform!” Insists man whose social circle is a square

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Dismissing the existing polling showing a huge Labour majority in the upcoming general election, Simon Williams announced his intentions to vote for Reform, bolstering his claims of sweeping Nigel Farage into Number 10 with the assertion everyone he knows is also voting for Reform.

Williams dismissed claims this was constitutionally impossible as Reform probably won’t have enough candidates left to form a majority government simply as MSM scaremongering.

Williams said, “I’m voting for Reform, my friend is voting for Reform, he’s also my dealer so don’t print his name. The guy I nod at in the park is voting for Reform and my parole officer is also voting for Reform.”

When pressed, Williams added, “Okay, my parole officer might not be voting for Reform, but he did say he was a huge fan of Top Gear so I just read between the lines.”

When quizzed on whether the recent defections, allegations of racism and candidates being forced to stand down would impact his decision, Williams replied “Every allegation of racism only makes me more committed to Reform – as well as when one of them has a go at the gays.

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“Honestly, wild horses couldn’t stop me from voting for them. There is nothing you can tell me about Reform, nor any evidence you could present, that would stop me from voting for them. Literally, nothing can stop me from voting for them.”

“It’s definitely not a cult,” he added, apropos of nothing.

When approached for comment on how this would shape the election, a polling expert at YouGov was quoted as saying “Simon Williams and everyone he knows is voting Reform?”

“It certainly will have a measurable impact, as every action in the universe does, though I’d place it at around the same impact level as taking a deep intake of breath and then trying to divert a hurricane through a strong exhalation.

“Or to put it in purely political terms, he’s splitting the vote for the Tories.”

At press time, 95% of Russian online troll farms had also announced their intention to vote for Reform.

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