Tory officials caught placing bets on how many Tory officials involved in election betting scandal

author avatar by 3 weeks ago

As a fourth Tory official was placed under investigation by the gambling watchdog for effectively using insider trading to bet on the general election date, bookmakers have seen a huge influx of Tory officials gambling on the number of bottom-feeding Tory shysters who’ll eventually be caught up in the scandal. 

Bookmaker Simon Williams said, “We’ve seen quite a few of them in here recently, you can always recognise them – taking quivering swigs of Dom Perignon to work up the courage to come in, would rather intravenously inject concentrated Norovirus than share the same air as people using a High Street bookies… usually wearing their most casual Saville Row cuts to blend in.”

“I give them a minute to get over the shock of interacting with a working-class person and tell them to place these bets on their phone, but apparently, there’s some serious concern about leaving an identifiable paper trail, so cash was probably best.

“Still though, they’ve all got the same definite number in mind when they place their bets. I said to one ‘Do you know something I don’t?’ as a joke, but he just awkwardly laughed and vaguely replied that the hazing ritual at Eton involved a lot of different woodland creatures, which, to be fair I didn’t know… I strongly suspected it, but I didn’t know.”

Conservative HQ, who are now dealing with an average of 1 scandal every 97 minutes, once again rolled James Cleverley out to address the deepening crisis, with Cleverly telling reporters, “This gambling issue is the last thing we needed, really.

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“Now everyone’s going to associate this government with cronyism and people who line their pockets through morally questionable and illegal means.

“Which is obviously an opinion not a single voter held a week ago.”

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