Man more concerned for the health and safety of rare lichen on Stone Henge than for the safety of asylum seekers crossing channel

author avatar by 4 weeks ago

A man has this afternoon demonstrated his deep concern for the health and safety of the rare lichens on Stone Henge that he didn’t know existed six hours ago.

Simon Williams, a full-time tweeter and big believer in ‘common sense’, has been left apoplectic by Just Stop Oil’s attack on Stone Henge using cornflour-based orange paint.

He wrote, “These mindless terrorists – because that’s what they are – have threatened the very existence of the rare lichens found on Stone Henge that I first learned about approximately 30 minutes ago.

“Of all the things I have learned in the last hour, this is by far the thing that has made me most angry.

“Did you know that some experts have argued that lichens have a rudimentary level of cellular consciousness? Harming them is basically assault. These Just Stop Oil terrorists should serve serious prison time.”

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Meanwhile, just two months ago, following the drownings of five asylum seekers trying to cross the channel, he wrote, “No sympathy. It’s illegal to cross the channel, and if you die committing a crime, then it should be illegal to give a toss about you.”

Williams has defended his positions, insisting that “lichen need protection from terrorists because they’ve shown potential for basic sentience, whereas these asylum seekers can’t even speak English and often pretend to need protection from terrorists.

“So the situations couldn’t be more different and my priorities are 100% valid for a normal human being who cares about normal human things.”

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