Man commits fewer hate crimes in celebration of Pride month

author avatar by 2 weeks ago

We’re almost through the first week of Pride month and whilst the usual social commentators have been vocal in their criticisms of the celebration, it’s refreshing to see local bigot Simon Williams enter the spirit of commemorating gay pride by announcing a temporary sabbatical on his campaign of fear and intimidation against minority groups. 

Williams was quoted as saying “Usually when companies push the Pride angle, it’s just a pandering and box ticking exercise with no real benefit – whereas I can pretty much guarantee as a result of my inaction there’ll be fewer assaults, a huge reduction in false police reports being filed and far less homophobic graffiti on cars in the local area.”

Williams conceded that it has been tough. He went on, “Sure, I’m still remaining vigilant; I saw one walking past a school yesterday, well within 800 yards, so I immediately took off in hot pursuit.

“Turns out he was just going to a nearby corner shop, then he bought a Snickers and a copy of the Economist so, fists clenched, I thought ‘this guys asking for it…’ after that, he checked his phone for what I thought was for indecent underage pictures, but was actually a text message from his boss requesting an update on something called the ‘Haynes project’.

“It was quite a curt message, honestly, a sad indictment of our society that we allowed the work/life balance to be so eroded that pushy line-managers like that can reach us anywhere at anytime…”

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Although lost in thought for several seconds, Williams continued “Then he asked me why I had been standing so close to him for so long, so I sort hummed a few bars of Queen’s ‘I want to break free’ to reconcile the situation and meet him at his own level.

“Long story short, the kids were kept safe and no-one was hurt.

“This time.”

Williams added that he was concurrently holding his own straight pride celebration, explaining that “initially it started as a thoughtful comment on double standards in sexual representation. The celebration itself is mostly just me watching porn on my own.”

Williams clarified, “Although it’s like a satire thing, I should explain that the wanking will very much be heartfelt and earnest.”

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