Nigel Farage to spend UK General election campaign deep inside Donald Trump’s colon

author avatar by 3 weeks ago

In a thoroughly unsurprising turn of events, Nigel Farage, the honorary president of Reform UK, has announced that he will not be standing for election in the upcoming UK General Election on July 4th.

Instead, Farage has chosen a path he believes will yield far greater financial returns: nestling himself deeply within Donald Trump’s colon for the duration of the US Presidential campaign season.

Farage, who has often been accused of being a sycophant for the former US President, confirmed his decision in a statement this morning. “I’ve always said I’m a British patriot, but let’s be honest, the real action is happening in America. Plus, the pay is just so much better.”

Sources close to Farage revealed that the decision was not taken lightly.

“He spent several minutes contemplating his loyalty to the UK,” one Reform insider told us. “But then he remembered the size of Trump’s rallies and the adoration and money he receives over there. Whereas here in the UK, he mainly gets covered in milkshakes by an electorate that has already rejected him seven times.

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“The choice was clear.”

Farage’s plan to embed himself deep inside Trump’s colon, a move he claims will provide “the best vantage point for observing and supporting the greatest leader of the free world,” has raised a few eyebrows.

Critics argue it’s a blatant abandonment of his supposed commitment to Britain. However, Farage remains undeterred.

“You can’t put a price on proximity to greatness,” he explained, pushing aside a polyp to work his way deeper inside the former President’s colon.

“It’s not that bad in here if you ignore all the partially masticated fast food – and if I get lonely, I can just pop next door to spend some time with my fellow colon resident, Rudy Guilliani.”

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