Manchester City announce plans to just buy Arsenal and have done

author avatar by 3 weeks ago

Leading business conglomerate Manchester City have announced plans to buy the entirety of Arsenal football club so they don’t have to bother with the tedious business of a competitive Premier League run-in next year.

“Well that was all terribly annoying and bothersome,” explained Manchester City CEO Baron Michael Moneybags.

“Having to wait until the final day of the season to confirm our champion status made it very difficult to get our books signed off in time to buy into a number of hedge funds and property investments. It really upset our Q2 corporate plans.

“So we’re going to buy Arsenal.”

Arsenal are one of two football clubs who have managed to come close to beating Manchester City to the Premier League title and many consider that with some judicious moves in the transfer market, they could really challenge for the title next year.

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“Yes, and we really don’t want to have the bother of dealing with all that football nonsense. We’ve a wide variety of corporate interests at Manchester City, and this constant focus on football gets in the way of being able to implement our plans at a corporate level.”

The name of Arsenal football club will disappear, but players and staff will be incorporated into Manchester City.

“Yes, we’re going to be setting up an off-shore corporation in Cayman for tax purposes and Mikel could take up a leadership role there. That Declan Rise fellow could answer the phones. He seems reliable. I’m sure we can absorb the majority of their employees. I mean, I don’t envisage redundancies from Arsenal as a result of this move, we should reassure people.”

Baron Moneybags also confirmed that long-term plans to buy Manchester United had been abandoned.

“Yes, I suppose that if Manchester United came free in a box of cornflakes, we wouldn’t throw them straight in the bin, but that’s about it.”

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