Every little helped, a lot, says Tesco

Supermarket chain Tesco has reported record underlying annual pre-tax profits of £2.3bn, an improvement of 200% on the previous year.

The profit figure should come as no surprise to anyone who has ever set foot in a store, and has been attributed to the success of customer programs such as, “Look at this shiny product, you can have two of them if you like?” and “Why get ripped off somewhere else?”

Tesco boss Ken Murphy said that he was confident the retailer would “continue to make fucking stellar progress even in the current global economic environment.

“We are delighted to have made £30 of profit from every man woman and child in the country, even the really poor ones who shop in Aldi and Lidl.”

Shareholders are said to be moist with anticipation at the thought of profits to be had once people actually have some money to spend again.

The size of the profit has drawn criticism from some consumer groups who suggest Tesco has been ripping off it’s customers during a cost of living crisis where price rises were blamed on ‘inflation’, rather than ‘profit maximisation’.

“That’s utter bollocks,” continued boss Ken Murphy.

“We’re cheaper than Sainsbury and Waitrose, so imagine how much they SHOULD be making.

“But we don’t waste money on things like cleaning aisle spills, putting people on tills, or ensuring our trolley collectors have the requisite number of chromosomes for a human being.”

“And don’t forget the Tesco Clubcard, without which, we couldn’t send coded messages to you at home with subliminal encouragement to buy all of the stuff we know is bad for you.”

The Clubcard has been so successful in screwing every last penny of discretionary revenue from its customer base that the model is now being trialled by drug cartels across the nation.