Patriots ready to celebrate the resurrection of a man they would have dismissed as a woke snowflake if he was alive today

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British patriots will tomorrow celebrate the resurrection of a man whose very actions and words would have have earned him the title of ‘woke snowflake’ were he alive today.

Jesus Christ, the central figure of Christianity known for his radical teachings on love, kindness, and compassion towards the less fortunate, is set to receive adulations from individuals who, if he were alive today, might have been the first to criticise his ‘unpatriotic’ behaviour and ‘soft-hearted liberal’ policies.

Derek Williams is one such patriot and staunch supporter of Lee Anderson. He told us, “Jesus turned water into wine, sure, but if he tried turning my taxes into free healthcare, we’d have a problem.”

Critics have been quick to point out the glaring contradictions in those on the right wing celebrating the teachings of a man who famously stated, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God” – a direct challenge to the accumulation of wealth at the expense of the poor. Yet, this Easter, those very same right-wing supporters will be seen raising their glasses to his resurrection, conveniently overlooking his ‘radically liberal’ economic policies.

Moreover, Jesus’ open-door policy towards the marginalised and his commandment to love thy neighbour – regardless of nationality or type of boat they arrived on – stands in stark contrast to the current anti-immigrant sentiment.

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“I think it’s disgusting for people to suggest Jesus would have washed the feet of refugees in our local square, just because the Bible says he did precisely that sort of thing,” continued Williams.

In an age where empathy and kindness are often derided as signs of weakness, the annual celebration of a figure who epitomised such liberal qualities highlights the complexities and contradictions of modern political and social ideologies. But mostly it just lets everyone see who is a massive hypocrite.

As Williams gathers his family to honour a man who preached feeding the hungry, healing the sick for free, and welcoming the stranger, he continues to insist that if Jesus were alive today, he would definitely be running in the next election as a Reform UK candidate.