Thanks to an unexpected breakthrough, scientists have unveiled an electron microscope powerful enough to accurately observe Rishi Sunak’s chances of success in any future election.
It is the first time his chances have been observed, and is some good news following a turbulent few weeks for the Prime minister in which senior members of the Tory party have been vying for a leadership bid, back-benchers were in open rebellion on crunch commons votes, along with the always disastrous polling.
Lead researcher Simon Williams speaking from the Institut Pasteur in Paris said, “Typically we would use Electron microscopes of this scale to detect atoms and quantum particles. We’ve never previously used it for observing representative democratic votes.
“But, there we were, examining molecular interactions so tiny as to barely be classed as even happening, and we could just faintly detect something infinitesimal, even by atomic standards – the conservative party’s chance of maintaining a parliamentary majority at the next election.
“However, it should be noted that with every public appearance the Prime Minister gives, the phenomenon becomes that much harder to observe.”
Williams continued, “To the layman, you could say his chances are like a candle in the wind. Though for scientific accuracy we should note that the candle in question is scented like a soiled rhinoceros nappy and the wind is a raging hurricane of piss.”
When approached for comment, a spokesman for the prime minister replied, “So you’re saying there’s a chance?
“Brilliant news. That’s before we’ve even rolled out his strategy of deflecting blame onto foreign people for the decade long ideological erosion of public services.
“He’s also taking advice on a governmental white paper which involves holding him his breath until the public promises to vote for him.”
At press time, scientists were theorising the device could potentially be used to locate Boris Johnson’s remaining scruple and the median penis size of men who watch and agree with Andrew Tate TikTok videos.