by 
Scientists have today revealed that they are a mere ten years away from unveiling a roll of cling film that tears as cleanly as the conscience of a Tory politician during an electoral campaign.
Sources close to the project, dubbed “Operation Straight Edge,” claim that the latest breakthrough could revolutionise how humans become utterly infuriated by mundane domestic tasks.
“For too long, humanity has suffered under the tyranny of plastic wrap that clings to everything except what we want it to cling to, and which tears as reliably as a balloon,” stated Dr. Simon Williams, lead researcher at the Global Institute for Adhesive Innovations.
“After solving trivial issues like the structure of DNA and the mysteries of quantum mechanics, we found the true Sisyphean task: cling film that only clings to the intended object and which tears like toilet paper. Today we announced we are close to conquering the final boss of kitchen foes.”
“We’re on the brink of a new era where tearing cling film from the box doesn’t end in a display of expletives strong enough to make a sailor blush and a series of hand wounds from what is essentially a small serrated plastic saw.”
The project, which has already consumed hundreds of millions of dollars and countless hours of research typically reserved for minor concerns such as renewable energy or curing deadly diseases, has reportedly made leaps and bounds from the previous decade’s failed prototype, “The Perma-Peel Perplexity.”
Critics have been quick to point out the potential societal impacts, suggesting that without the struggle of unevenly torn plastic wrap, generations to come may lose their problem-solving skills and capacity for patience.
However, supporters argue that the perfectly torn cling film will eliminate the need for emergency scissors and reduce kitchen-based rage incidents by up to 87%.
While the final product is still in development and a decade away from the supermarket shelves, consumers are cautiously optimistic.
“I won’t hold my breath,” said local dad, Derek Matthews, while wrestling with a roll of cling film. “But if they pull it off, I might finally finish covering leftovers in under an hour and without declaring war on an inanimate object.”
