If we suspended all of our rapey MPs, we’d be left with no majority, warns Rishi Sunak

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Rishi Sunak has defended the independent complaints process used by the government after yet another Tory MP was accused of serious sexual crimes.

As most voters no longer have sufficient fingers to count all of the Tory MPs either suspended, imprisoned or accused of sexual crimes since the last election, Sunak has faced questions after yet another sitting Tory MP was reported to the police by former Tory Chairman Sir Jake Berry.

However, Sunak has been quick to point out that there is a fine balance to be made between ensuring Tory MPs who commit sexual assault are dealt with robustly, and maintaining a parliamentary majority.

Sunak told reporters, “We take accusations of sexual assault extremely seriously. The only thing we take more seriously is keeping our grip on power, which is why we’re not always keen to suspend people when they’re accused of these heinous crimes.

“Yes, I know the other parties have instantly suspended anyone accused of something as awful as this, but it’s easy for them as they have so few of them. We have loads. I mean, seriously, there are loads of them.

“You only know about the ones that have become public. Christ, if they all came out and we were forced to suspend them all we’d lose our majority overnight.

“And much as I want to see justice for victims of sexual assault, I want to keep my job even more. Sorry.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes