“Kids these days are too soft and don’t know how lucky they are”, insists Chimney Sweep who can no longer employ 9-year-olds

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From the Archives: 25th July 1834

Woke parliamentarians introducing the Chimney Sweeps Act of 1834 will prevent small businesses across the country from employing the best and most nimble children, threatening the livelihood of hundreds of chimney sweeps, according to sources today.

Chimney Sweep Henry Williams, 28, has spoken out against the out-of-touch politicians trying to put him out of business with their new woke laws designed to make the nation’s children ‘soft’.

He told us, “The kids of today are spoiled and pampered. They need to live in the real world. In my day, we went up the chimneys at six or seven years old, and it never did me any harm.

“Look at me. I am a perfectly well-rounded individual who just happens to enjoy sending small children into tiny and dangerous cramped spaces to earn a few shillings.

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“Giving rights to children is the thin end of the wedge. Where will this nonsense end?

“Why should we try to make life slightly better for the next generation when we didn’t benefit from those changes ourselves? It makes no sense. What I care most about most of all is me, and this new law does not benefit me at all – quite the opposite in fact – so I don’t like it.

“Nothing good EVER came from trying to make life better for vulnerable people, and we should put a stop to it right now.”

Jack Matthews, 9, told us, “What am I supposed to do now? All I know is sweeping. I’m not 14 for another five years. And it’s not like there’ll be any schools I can go to for another fifty-odd years.

“It’s wokeness gone mad.”