Daily Mail reader wishes so hard for the disgraced BBC employee to be Gary Lineker that he detaches retina

author avatar by 3 months ago

A Daily Mail reader is today undergoing treatment for a detached retina after a prolonged for forceful period of intense wishing that the disgraced BBC employee would be Gary Lineker.

Derek Williams, 62, is both a big fan of the Daily Mail and an ardent critic of the ‘woke left’, Gary Lineker. When news broke last week that a BBC employee had been caught paying for explicit photos from a teenager, Williams took to his knees to wish as no man has wished before.

“It was a sight, certainly,” explained his niece Sharon, who would later take him to the hospital for treatment.

“He would take to his knees in the living room, hold his breath and close his eyes for what seemed like an age, and then his face would turn puce before he would finally exhale with a huge scream before falling onto all fours.

“I thought it was some weird meditation thing he’d found on the Internet – he regularly believes all sort of nonsense he reads on there – but then he’d have a short rest, muttering ‘please be Lineker, please be Lineker, please be Lineker’ over and over before taking another huge breath and starting the whole cycle all over again.

“A man of his age should not have that many veins popping out of his forehead. After about six hours, he screamed in pain, and his left eye was so bloodshot I knew he’d done something serious.

According to the specialist, he’ll be in for a few days for the surgery to reconnect everything, and then it’ll be about two months before his sight recovers properly.

“Thank God he won’t be able to read the Daily Mail in that time. And no, we haven’t told him it’s definitely not Gary Lineker, I don’t think his blood pressure could take it.”

Based on an original idea by Alexander Harrison

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader)