A maths teacher is to apologise for defrauding the students he taught during the mid-1990s.
Simon Williams, who taught GCSE Maths from 1995 to 1999 at a local comprehensive, justified asking his students to manually work out some of the more pointless calculations in his class by repeatedly telling them, “you won’t have a calculator everywhere you go”.
“Which was clearly absolute horseshit,” confirmed former pupil, Jay Cooper, waving his smartphone in our direction.
“This thing has a calculator on it, and it spends more time with me than my wife. So suck on that, Mr Williams.
“As for the rest of maths, guess how many quadratic equations I’ve had to do since I left school? Go on, have a guess.
“You can borrow my ever-present calculator to help you if you like, it will give you the correct answer the very second you open it and ask it the question.”
The now-retired Simon Williams, said, “I can only apologise to my former students for the fact that I was a maths teacher, and not a bloody psychic.
“I know you hated it, but I was teaching you things that I thought would be useful to you should you pursue future careers as engineers, astronauts or even rocket scientists.
“But from what I hear, you’ve all gone into social media, retail work or advertising crap that people don’t need to people who can’t afford it.
“So I sincerely apologise not only for wasting your time, and mine, but for massively over-estimating the reach and ambition of each and every one of you boring, academically average sods.”