Police warn of growing two-year backlog due to processing crimes of senior Tory MPs

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As the Liberal democrats accuse Kwami Kwarteng of breaching ministerial code by attending a champagne reception with financiers -immediately- before trashing the economy and making financiers staggeringly rich, Metropolitan police warn that they’re already two Prime Ministers behind on investigating serious abuses of power. 

Police spokesman Simon Williams said, “We were still investigating Theresa May’s suspicious handling of child abuse cases when Johnson came into office and then… well… you know what happened next.

“His government was like the film Ocean’s 11, except instead of a grand heist at the end, they’d meticulously planned a series of drunken gropes.

“Then there was the Partygate thing, given we were actually in attendance for most of them you’d think that would have been open and shut, but no, and that’s on us.

“It took an absurd amount of time given we mostly just had to look at photos of some toffs getting out of hand on Dom Perignon.”

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Whilst conceding mistakes had been made, Williams advised they were trying to get ahead of the issue, telling us, “When we heard about the planned Tory Party conference we immediately recommended they have several trauma officers on site, the attendees are mostly asleep but when they wake up, their hands are busier than a Chopin piano recital.”

At press time Williams admitted, “We didn’t anticipate a senior Tory’s drunken homophobic outbursts though. That was stupid of us, because it happens every year.”