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Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng is to go trick or treating this Halloween carrying nothing but the Chancellor’s famous red briefcase, which is enough to strike terror into the hearts of anyone brave enough to answer the door to him.
Kwarteng has announced that he will reveal further details of his fiscal plan on the 31st of October, to ensure the scariest night of the year leaves the entire nation hiding behind a cushion.
Voter Simon Williams told us, “I get that Halloween is supposed to be a night of scary things, of ghosts and ghouls and so on. But Kwasi Kwarteng revealing his fiscal plan, and the sacrifices we will all be making to ensure a few millionaires get richer? That is absolutely terrifying.
“Couldn’t he wear some fangs and threaten to throw eggs at my car instead? I just think that announcing measures that could see me lose my job and my house, or that make the one thing I’m looking forward to – next summer’s holiday – even more expensive, is a bit on the cruel side, no?
“Yes, scare us by all means, but I want to wake up on November first thinking, ‘wow what a scary evening’ and then get on with my day, not be unable to move due to being paralysed by budget-induced existential dread.”
A spokesperson for 11 Downing Street has insisted that Kwarteng’s announcement won’t be that scary, and that there won’t be any actual blood involved. He will be leaving all that kind of stuff to Suella Braverman.
