“Get your coat, love – my central heating’s on” becomes UK’s most popular chat-up line

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Simon Williams has been setting hearts aflutter in Leighton Buzzard winebars with talk of his dual fuel heating system, with a new survey suggesting the ability to heat a home now being listed as one of the top 10 most desirable qualities people look for in a partner. 

Simon Williams admitted his initial joke about academic qualifications, namely his PhD, actually being a very crude acronym for his penis, went down badly. However, Williams continued, “Once talk turned to boilers, as it inevitably does these days, I casually mentioned my Worcester Bosch and the fact that it was on.

“I said ‘direct debits be damned!’ and talked about how sometimes I just switch it on for hours at a time. We flirted about snuggling next to the bedroom convector radiator, running two hobs at once to cook beans… It drove her wild.”

Similarly, Dorine Norris said she was also struggling with the opposite sex, “My ‘come hither’ eyes and forthright discussions about ranking the Bros albums was getting me nowhere. Though things started to ‘heat up’ when I mentioned the timer settings on my Economy 7 heating system.”

Norris added, “I needed a shag anyway, and these days I’d rather go home early with someone who knows their way around a thermostat, than sit through four badly-made Mojitos and engage in some heavy petting on the dance floor with someone who makes Prince Andrew look subtle.”

At press time, it was reported that this season’s hottest sex toy was a woolly Primark jumper and thick hiking socks for under the duvet.