Liz Truss’ own reflection left bored rigid during speech rehearsals

author avatar by 2 months ago

Liz Truss has spent the morning boring her reflection into submission by rehearsing her conference speech in the mirror.

The new prime minister, who carries all the stage presence of a particularly tired sloth is expected to keep the conference audience – what’s left of them – thoroughly engaged for 25 minutes, which is likely to be possible only if she spends 23 of those minutes juggling knives.

As such, Truss has spent the morning repeating her speech into her hotel mirror, in the hope it will eventually sound like it’s not being delivered by a competition winner.

“The plan has failed, dismally,” said the reflection, exhaustedly.

“It doesn’t matter what she says, or how she says it; every time she opens her mouth with a smile all I hear is ‘pork markets’. There is no coming back from that.

“It doesn’t help that her delivery carries all the emotional honesty of a call centre worker delivering a ‘ we value your business’ script to an unhappy customer.

“I’ve listened to it three times now, and I still don’t believe a word she’s saying, and I’m literally her.”

Meanwhile, delegates are competing for the best excuse to avoid the speech and get an early start on the journey home.

Backbench MP Simon Williams told us, “Yes, I know she’s my boss, but would you want to listen to your boss waffle on for 25 minutes at the end of the working day? I’ve heard it all already. I’d rather just head home.

“You shouldn’t ever need an excuse to leave Birmingham, but I’ve gone with ‘constituency emergency’, which everyone in the party knows is code for ‘important meeting with donors’, so I’ve actually hidden my getaway behind two layers of misdirection.

“If I need to find out what she said, I’ll just catch up on the inevitable memes on social media later.”

Twatspotting #2 – Liz Truss – get the mug here!