“Vegans never shut up about it!” insists man who has instagrammed every steak he’s ever eaten

author avatar by 2 years ago

A man has recently pointed out that vegans never shut about being vegan, seemingly unaware that he has a habit of sharing photos of every large steak he consumes.

Simon Williams made the startling claim about vegans at a local restaurant to a largely indifferent group of friends, pausing only to take a picture of his filet steak for social media.

Seemingly unperturbed by the dozens of similar pictures he’d previously posted cumulatively receiving only seven likes, Williams continued, “There’s one at work, Sally, she can’t go three minutes without talking about how much water meat uses, or that chickens have a soul and could probably qualify for a mortgage if we just stopped murdering them in front of their chicks.

“She wants to come off as some environmental activist who reads the works of William Blake to mistreated cows to boost their end-of-life care, but I have it on good authority she has owned, driven or been a passenger in a diesel car so… Checkmate Greta Dumberg.”

When asked for comment, Sally Winders claimed, “I mean, I mentioned it once for a leaving do, they asked if I had any special dietary requirements so I mentioned I was vegan.

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“Simon’s eyes rolled so hard they practically fell out of his face and got stuck on his untreated facial herpes.”

Winder added, “I once suggested that logically there could be a great many vegans he’d met that didn’t tell him they were vegan and by definition, he’d be none the wiser.

“They’d be unlikely to ever share a meal with him socially because… Honestly, he’s about as approachable as a landmine, one with untreated facial herpes, so he certainly wouldn’t find out that way.”

However, in a horrifying glimpse into William’s home life, he addressed Winder’s claim by saying, “She’s wrong about that, I’ve been slavishly trolling hundreds of vegan pages on Facebook for years now, so I actually do know most of them on a first name basis. 

“I post pictures of bacon whenever they advertise an event. I also like to ask why some of their food is shaped like sausages and burgers if they hate meat so much.”

At press time, Williams was compiling a list of shapes he deemed acceptable for vegans to use.