Keyser Soze, Biff Tannen, Megatron, Satan, and Gripper Stebson all confirm Tory leadership bids

Today has seen the launch of multiple Tory leadership campaigns from candidates as diverse as professional gambler Biff Tannen to ruler over the firey domains of hell himself, Satan.

Gripper Stebson’s run has caught many by surprise. He was a leading bastard in the 1980s with his sustained torment of Roland Browning, but had faded from public view in recent years.

“I had been considering returning to bastardy for several years now,” said Mr Stebson, as he kicked someone in the balls and nicked their dinner money.

“Leadership of the Tory party is the perfect way to do so.”

It is prominent transformer Megatron’s bid that is perhaps the most eye-catching.

“I Megatron will stand on a policy of hunting down and destroying all autobots and then crushing the British people under my tyrannical dominion,” reads the introduction to a newly produced campaign leaflet.

He is expected to appeal to those on the right of the party who think Suella Braverman is a little too extreme.

Amongst Tory MPs, many seem impressed with Keyser Soze’s vast criminal empire but none have yet committed themselves to his campaign. It is expected that Michael Gove will be supporting Satan’s bid for leadership, as he has done in other recent contests.

Despite it being one of the widest field of contestants for years there are still further campaigns expected to be announced any day now from ‘Nasty’ Nick Cotton, the kid from Omen, Jaws, Vecna, Macbeth, Darth Maul, that woman who put the cat in the bin and Priti Patel.

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