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In a move calculated to put the dark days of Section 28 homophobia behind it, the Conservative Party has declared that it has set itself a target that 25% of sexual assaults by Tory politicians will have a queer or genderqueer aspect to them moving forward.
Simon Williams MP, Minister for Hoping Rumours Never Come To Light, explained to the press that the initiative was part of a broader movement by his party to be more inclusive in whose lives they ruin when they get bladdered mid-week.
He went on, “We need to shake off the stuffy image of a drunk porcine MP from the Home Counties cornering a trembling female intern and getting off on her tears as he molests her.
“We need to acknowledge the kaleidoscope nature of human sexuality and get our MPs to diversify who they torment in their repugnant abuses of power. And we hope our MPs will now feel just as comfortable offering male staffers a salary bump in exchange for a visibly disgusted handjob in a toilet cubicle.
“And why stop there? If MPs are going to initiate a wholly inappropriate sexting relationship with a teenager in their constituency, why not look at trans people? After all, they are probably already vulnerable and much more susceptible to being manipulated into thinking it’s okay for a married adult man turn them into their personal sex performer.
“From now on, we want people of all genders and orientations to know that they, too, might have their drink spiked by someone they saw on Sky News defending the latest government fuck-up.”
