‘I had no idea I needed to worry about Mr Pinchy-bottom Pincher the Perv’ insists Boris

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Boris Johnson has insisted today that he had no idea about any previous allegations or rumours surrounding his friend and deputy chief whip affectionately knows as ‘Mr Pinchy bottom Pincher the perv’.

With pressure mounting on the Prime Minister to reveal what he knew about allegations of inappropriate behaviour concerning Chris Pincher when he was promoted to a key government role, Boris Johnson has looked to defend himself today insisting that he knew nothing whatsoever about ‘pinchy pervy pincher’ prior to his appointment. 

Speaking earlier he told us, “I didn’t have a clue.

“I can categorically say that I had no idea that Pinchy bottom Pincher the perv had ever had any allegations raised against him in the past.

“Obviously me calling him ‘pincher by name pincher by nature’ is just a complete coincidence and doesn’t mean that he has a reputation of going around pinching people or making unwanted sexual advances.

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“And his nickname pervy pincher didn’t ring any alarm bells whatsoever when I decided to promote him.

“I just hope that we can move on from this and fill the position of deputy chief whip as soon as possible with an appropriate candidate who is more suitable for the role.”

Asked if they have anyone in mind we were told, “Rapey Richard from the back benchers seems nice, or his friend Gropey Graham.”