“I’d still pick Boris over Starmer as prime minister” insists Tory voter helplessly watching Johnson have sex with his girlfriend

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A recent poll conducted by the Observer newspaper suggested that after Partygate and a string of other high profile scandals, Boris Johnson was still seen as the better choice for prime minister over opposition leader Keir Starmer.

We approached local Tory voter Simon Williams who seemed to confirm the polls findings.

Williams told us, “Well, actually Mr Johnson invited himself in earlier today and is currently having sex with my partner of three years upstairs as we speak.

“It’s certainly not ideal, but I can only imagine how much worse the country would look if Keir bloody Starmer had come into my house and seduced my Nikki.

“He’s too clinical in PMQ’s, very focused but no passion, whereas with Boris you can really hear the difference, all that bluster and emotion… She’s having a great time!”

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Asked if he was in anyway put out by the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom having sex with his first ever long-term girlfriend, Williams replied, “I mean, he was very considerate about it, during foreplay, Johnson kindly suggested I might want to get out of the house, take a drive, but with the price of petrol as it is…

“Between strokes I did ask the Prime Minister if there was anything he could do to help us low-income earners, like a fuel cap or something but he said it was solely dictated by market forces.

“Then he started laughing.” 

At press time, it is understood the Prime Minister was seen rifling through Williams’ wallet, excitedly mumbling something in Latin as he pocketed a £20 note.