Tuesday 14 June 2022 by Arabin Patson

Agricultural labour shortage forces Cornish farms to hire alcoholic criminals


Boris on the farm

The sorry state of British farming was highlighted yesterday morning after an interview with LBC’s Nick Ferrari revealed that a farm in Cornwall was so desperate for workers they take on untrustworthy binge-drinking layabouts with criminal records to pick courgettes.

In the interview, farmer Simon Williams confirmed that he had people working in his field that five years ago would not even be allowed onto his land, let alone touch his produce.

He told listeners, “Here’s an example for you. See that blubbery idiot over there in the high-viz jacket staring at a courgette like he is hoping it’s going to jump into his basket? Well, I happen to know he’s a serial offender who is drunk most days and who lies as easily as he breathes.

“Luckily, Firuz, one of my Tajik employees, is keeping an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t go hide in the barn to nap or harass the women at the packing plant.

“But the sad truth is I have no choice but to take on any unreliable layabout that shows up, like that fella.

“We can’t get staff from eastern Europe anymore, and it’s a nightmare to get visas for anywhere else since our immigration policy is to get visa processing clerks to scream abuse at foreigners.

“So yes, when some bumbling idiot rolls up and says he wants to pick some veg as part of some sick poverty cosplay, I don’t have the luxury of telling him to sod off.”

Since 2019, the percentage of farm work undertaken by Tory ministers pretending to give a toss about rural Britain has gone up 300%. It is estimated that one in 20 strawberries in the UK was picked by a cocaine addict with offshore bank accounts that “follows all the rules.”

Mr Bullshit – get the best-selling mug here!

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