The Prime Minister has today announced that he will be expanding his cabinet by creating the position of “Secretary of State for Shielding the Prime Minister.”
The role was established after Johnson came under increasing pressure for breaking the law, lying the parliament and running a party full of porn addicts.
The Prime Minister said in an official statement, “We look forward to appointing an excellent and experienced scapegoat who will be willing to dive in front of me to protect me.
“Someone who will cover my hide as it’s clear to anyone taking a cursory look at the details that I am just as culpable as any of my smut-watching backbenchers, which I am sure people have now conveniently forgotten.
“MPs resigning for watching people fucking new tractors is obviously worse than me fucking all the people who use them.
“That is why I am creating a cabinet position to make the administrative position of buck-receiving on behalf of the prime minister an officially recognised part of the government.”
Many candidates are rumoured to already be in talks with the Prime Minister, including a certain high-profile backbench MP who did not wish to be named.
They told us, “The Prime Minister has been very upfront about what the position involves, in what will likely be an extremely busy role.
“He made it very clear that this position will require a lot of work as there are a tremendous number of mistakes, misdemeanors and law-breaking which I can look forward to being personally blamed for, many of which have yet to reach the public domain.
“Boris told me that I was perfect for the position due to my broad frame that is well suited to soaking bullets and my admirable ability to fall under buses.
“I look forward to my very short career.”