Shock as Tory party investigation into slur against Angela Rayner finds it’s all the fault of the low-born trollop

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In a stunning twist of events, a team of conservative whips, which to date does not have any convicted rapists in its numbers, concluded that every man in the Tory party is as pure as the driven snow unlike that commoner woman who probably doesn’t even know how to ski.

Simon Despenser-Williams, junior whip and MP for a county where women know how to take a compliment, explained how his office uncovered the truth.

He explained, “These findings came after an arduous interrogation process whereupon the editor of the Mail on Sunday was taken aside by a backbencher during an old Harrovian Bridge tournament and asked what his version of the facts was.

“As it turned out, Ms Rayner was the one who suddenly walked up to four members of a party she loathes and distrusts and decided to say something hugely damaging to her own reputation, and this without any member of staff or the opposition to witness it.

“Odd, I’ll admit, but you know how these state school women are.

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“We will, of course, have to take the trusted word of these four Tory MPs who can not be named for complicated reasons that you wouldn’t understand.

“We think the matter should end there, and all members of the press who chose to be responsible with these matters can discuss journalistic ethics during an all-expenses paid trip to a resort in St Barts owned by a donor.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I just have to prepare some press notes should another of our MPs be revealed as a sex offender in the next few days.

“I just hope it’s not a minister.”