Saturday 30 April 2022 by Pete Redfern

Neil Parish falls on his pork sword


Neil Parish resigns

After admitting to watching porn in the House of Commons, the MP for Tit-ogling and Onanism – sorry, Tiverton and Honiton- has done the honourable thing and offered his resignation.

The Rt dishonourable gentleman admitted watching pornography twice in the chamber, saying the first time was accidental but the second time was exhilaratingly deliberate.

“I just don’t know what happened the first time,” he told press.

“I was in the House of Commons and my thoughts turned to the Devonshire farmers in my constituency who might benefit from new some new equipment, and I inadvertently typed the word ‘tractor’ completely by accident into PornHub instead of Google, and suddenly up pops a filthy video showing some young ladies explicitly engaging in intercourse on a farm.

“So stunned was I by this, that I was in too much shock to stop it, and I ended up watching all thirty six minutes of it.

“Twice.”

He went on, “I can only apologise to my family and to the Conservative Party, as I fear that I have given our political opponents even more cause to call us a bunch of pitiful wankers.”

Conservative spokesperson Sir Simon Williamsby-Toffer defended the resignation saying, “Although we are sad to see Neil go – especially as he’s one of the few of our MPs that hasn’t been embroiled in a partygate or cronyism scandal – we’re sure he’ll be happy to have a bit more time to pursue, you know, his other interests, whatever adult website they may be on.

“I for one am just relived that the seats in the commons are wipe-clean.”

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