Sunday 20 March 2022 by Arabin Patson

Ukrainian fighters agree that taking on Russian tanks is the same as believing a dubious slogan on a red bus


Ukranian soliders liken struggle to Brexit

Boris Johnson was vindicated yesterday after several active combatants in Ukraine confirmed that they considered curtain-twitching retirees in Surrey, who thought leaving the EU meant less Muslims, to be their spiritual brothers in arms.

In the ruins of Mariupol, former teacher Kateryna Melnyk took a break from ambushing Russian BMPs to explain how the inspiring example of ill-informed voters in the UK gave her the courage to keep defending the hellscape that was once her home.

“Some people think that we fight because we know that if we surrender we will cease to exist as Ukrainians. Others claim it’s simply because Russian brutality makes us see we are being exterminated and we might as well die fighting. They are all wrong.

“When I have to get within 100 yards of a Russian tank bristling with weapons and take aim with an RPG I had only seen in movies a few weeks ago, I think of the courage it must have taken for Britons to steadfastly refuse to fact-check the nonsense spewed by serial liars.

“Your Boris Johnson is right. Our fight and Brexit are the same. Digging up the corpses of my family from the rubble of our house destroyed by indiscriminate Russian rocket fire is the same thing as having to put up with a moody granddaughter who can’t do an Erasmus year because you’re too stupid to google a few figures.

“No, I’m not taking the piss. I love Brexiteers. Tell you what, why don’t you send your Mr Farage over here? After all he loves to claim he would ‘take up arms’ and using other war metaphors.

“Trust me, over here he’ll finally get the reception he deserves.”

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