Friday 18 March 2022 by Mark Molloy

Putin had ‘no choice’ but to expand into Ukraine as new oversized table too big for Russia


Putin long table

Vladimir Putin had no choice but to expand into Ukraine it is revealed today, as his new fucking massive table which he sits at the end of alone is just far too big for Russia.

With the war still raging in Ukraine and with no clear motive for the aggression, sources close to the Russian leader have now revealed that the only reason he started the war in the first place was to make room for his oversized tables.

A Spokesperson for the Kremlin confirmed “Our country is just not big enough.

“Everyone knows that Mr Putin likes to sit at the end of a fucking gigantic stupid looking oversized table on his own, with his staff literally miles away from him.

“And more recently, the size of the tables has become so large, there is just not enough room to position them in Russia without encroaching into to Ukraine. His most recent one starts in Red Square and ends somewhere St Petersburg.

“That’s why he has decided to try to expand his Russian land mass, in order to fit his tables, which he thinks make him look dead hard.

“And with the production of his latest table almost complete, using over 200,000 trees for production of the legs alone he just needed to extra space.”

Asked if he could just stop using such bizarrely oversized tables instead we were told, “But he really likes to look hard and stuff.”

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