Wednesday 10 November 2021 by Lucas Wilde

Zero emissions deadline set for when everyone accountable will be comfortably dead


Boris Johnson on net-zero targets

An agreement is currently being drafted at the COP26 summit, which will be read thoroughly before being comprehensively ignored.

It is thought that the agreement will include things such as targets for lower greenhouse gas emissions or even net-zero carbon waste for certain countries, with target dates so far in the future that nobody involved in the writing of the agreement need actually care- in fact, most of them will be dead.

“2050? Lovely,” beamed American policy advisor, Simon Williams.

“Joe will be delighted. He’ll be long in the ground by then, so this whole mess won’t be his problem.

“I’m well aware of the fact that ‘not my problem’ is an attitude that got us into this mess in the first place, but I also don’t care, which is another attitude that hasn’t helped.”

Downing Street spokesperson, Hayley Rice, mused, “Boris will be 86 by then… so he COULD still be alive, assuming one of his future wives hasn’t shot him by then.

“But there will have been a succession of Prime Ministers to blame in the interim, so everyone will have likely forgotten that he was involved in this at all.

“It’s win-win for everyone, except for absolutely everyone on planet earth.

“Is that a plastic water bottle? Recycle it, yeah? The planet needs you.”

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