“UK is not a corrupt country” insists man paid £100,000 a year to say so

The UK is officially not corrupt, the Prime Minister has confirmed last night, after clarifying that this was the stance that his party’s wealthy donors definitely wish him to take.

For the additional small nominal fee of a weekend in the Seychelles, he went on to clarify that recent government calls for an overhaul of the bodies responsible for independent scrutiny were absolutely above board, and that the subsequent u-turn was further proof of just how seriously his party takes the process of rooting out corruption.

Asked this evening whether Sir Geoffrey Cox – who was very definitely, 100%, clearly recorded on video conducting his other job from his parliamentary office – had committed a breach, the Prime Minister took time off from his busy schedule and the lap dance he was giving Rupert Murdoch to confirm that “Geoffrey likes his parliamentary office so much he has had a room in his mansion made out to look identical to it.

“Nothing to see here. I just don’t understand why people don’t trust us.”