In tax havens across the world, avaricious scumbags have expressed anger that the British toffs they hired to give respectability to their blatantly criminal activities have also been quietly earning £80,000 a year as backbenchers in the UK.
Simon Wiliams, a Bahamian government minister who owns 700 companies with no employees, was furious that his legal consultant was frequently jetting off to Devon to pretend to give a shit about voters.
He told us, “I pay him £400,000 a month to explain to the Foreign Office why every minister in our government has somehow accrued multi-million dollar fortunes despite being on a nominally low salary.
“For that sort of money, I expect his full attention. If the people in Tavistock want his expertise, they can bloody well provide a beachfront bungalow with a room mocked-up to look like a Westminster office.”
Amanda Tinnock, a Panama-based ‘facilitator’ who is also an MP for some northern English town where she now owns a holiday cottage, defended the actions of her peers and said that tax-evaders benefited from their advisors getting political experience in London.
She went on, “It’s vital that public school types who set up sanction-busting shell companies for arms dealers do not get stuck in a bubble of corruption, tropical paradises and prostitutes on yachts.
“It’s also important to highlight that being a Conservative MP is not a time-consuming business. You basically need to show up about four times a year to bray like a twat because Boris needs a boost. There’s also signing off claims for expenses but now you can just fax those from Tortuga thanks to COVID.
“Constituents? No. Outside of election years you never have to meet them, thank Christ.”