Friday 29 October 2021 by Arabin Patson

Shortages impact fishing war as UK runs out of wanky Napoleon allegories within 30 minutes


man runs out of french war allegories

The logistical paralysis that has gripped the country has handed France an unexpected advantage in the conflict over fishing rights as the UK used all its tired Napoleon/Macron comparisons with minutes and is already reduced to talking about Agincourt.

Simon Williams, Junior Minister for Xenophobia and European Trade, admitted that low stockpiles of unfunny tropes about French leaders had taken the government by surprise but that there was no need to panic.

“It’s regrettable that we were unable to make unfunny puns about Trafalgar for longer than a few minutes, but like other areas, mysterious events, completely unconnected to the policy that got us into power, have made certain items difficult to find.

“But it’s important to note that we still have ample supplies of references to the 100 Years War. When Johnny Frog comes to us with boring questions about the allocations of fishing licences, we can just mention the battle of Crecy and then spend two hours congratulating each other for being so hilarious.

“Not to mention we have an inexhaustible supply of World War 2 tropes that, although aimed at Germany, can easily be repurposed for the French. That should get them to release our boats!”

Despite Mr Williams’ optimism, it is understood that tabloid editors and senior tories have been instructed to be frugal with their tired cliches.

The government is also stockpiling the ability to dismissively put ‘le’ before English nouns as nothing impresses Parisian officials than British politicians unable to speak French despite studying it for 6 years in a £30K a year boarding school.

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