Foreign lorry drivers to be given £1 million, and diplomatic immunity

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Foreign lorry drivers are to be offered a £1 million ‘signing on fee’ by the UK government it is revealed today, along with full diplomatic immunity.

The deal, which will cover two months work for the drivers and could include a further £2 million next year for a further 3 months’ work, is to be rolled out immediately by ministers desperate to tackle major supply chain issues in the run-up to Christmas.

A spokesperson for the government confirmed, “We’re desperate, we’ll offer absolutely anything to get them now – to be perfectly honest we are completely fucked.

“We’ve tried granting temporary visas for foreign drivers and increasing the number of drop-offs they can make while they’re here, but it’s just not cutting it, and we don’t know what to do man.

“That’s why from today, any foreign haulier willing to work in the UK will get an immediate cash payment of £1 million as soon they start work, as long as they promise to keep working here until Christmas.

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“We will also be offering diplomatic immunity to all our foreign drivers, so they can do what the fuck they want when they enter the country, just as a little sweetener, like.

“Which effectively removes the need for a legitimate HGV licence, amongst other things, but who gives a shit, we really need some to deliver our turkeys.”

Asked if they have had any applications since the announcement of the raft of incentives we were told, “Yes, lots. Well three, and they all said they wanted more money to work here.”