“We will stack our victories tens of barleycorns high!” crows Boris Johnson

The UK is set to free itself of the cursed EU nonsense of units of ten and instead return to good, proper, sensible ones like inches, pounds, bushels, pecks, tods, perches, and kilderkin.

The move comes after the success of recent progressive policies such as, ‘The Young Will Pay For Your Care, the Way You Didn’t Pay For Their Education’, and ‘All TV Will Be Carry On Films, Fleabag and Only Fools and Horses (sorry about Fleabag. But Dr Who is too woke right now. And hey, at least there are no black people in it)’.

The Government has succeeded in rolling out another planned policy to bring joy to a milky, cataract filled eye and bewildered rage to most others.

When it was pointed out that these measures could, and indeed are, used in trade alongside the metric a spokesman said, “Ah, but this will make things much clearer. Previously if you sold a Firkin of beer you had to ALSO say that it was 41 litres. How confusing is that?

“Giving people more information than necessary and leaving them better informed has never led to anything good, certainly not in politics.”

In response to claims that the Tories were pushing this sort of abject nonsense to distract from the deepening supply chain crisis, Boris Johnson told reporters, “The market has fallen by barely a thistlewhit and to all these nay-sayers about empty shelves I have personally seen a bunthbull, that’s right and entire bunthbull, of lorries arriving only this morning!

“And free Werther’s Originals for all.”