Friday 17 September 2021 by Mark Molloy

Prince Philip’s mistresses and illegitimate children to be kept secret for 90 years


Prince Philip

Prince Philip’s mistresses, illegitimate children, and donations to dubious causes are to remain a secret for 90 years it is revealed today.

With news emerging last night that The Duke of Edinburgh’s will is to remain a secret for 90 years to protect the ‘dignity and standing’ of the Queen, lawyers for the Royal family have today breathed a huge sigh of relief because seriously, you really don’t want to know what’s in there.

A Spokesperson for the Royal family revealed “Thank fuck for that. This could have been very awkward indeed.

“Between you and me, there are some very curious donations in there to some very ‘interesting’ people, which would not have looked very good for the Duke.

“He has also split his entire estate between his seven children, which again is slightly weird, even when you get a calculator out to double-check the numbers.

“And the Queen has had to split her inheritance with at least four other women, two of which are dead, which doesn’t even make sense.

“Let’s just say it’s not a bad idea to keep the will a secret, for at least 90 years until everyone involved is dead and then maybe have a peek and close the fucker up again until the end of time.”

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