Boris Johnson forced to reassure Michael Gove that some things will still be sold by the gram

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Amid the discussion about bringing back Imperial measurements, the Prime Minister has had to soothe the anxieties of Michael Gove and other Tory grandees who were very keen that expensive products sold in small quantities would still use metric units.

Simon Williams, Spokesperson for the Cabinet, explained that the clarifications came about after a series of very late-night phone calls with agitated ministers who also had some brilliant ideas for a film script or a conceptual nightclub.

“Part of our promise to get Brexit done was a return to the Great British measurements like the old 12/3/1760 way of calculating distance that our voters think they remember using.

“But we know that when a man on a scooter arrives at your home to deliver a powder that can get you through a swingers’ party with Julia Hartley-Brewer and Michael Fabricant, it can be taxing to exchange 2 scruples and an eighth of a grain for a crown and thrupenny. In that case, reverting to metric is acceptable.

“However, we will expect industries competing in a world of incredibly precise technology to stop using nanograms and microns and, instead, rely on something based on a medieval peasant putting his hand against the neck of a horse. Brexit means Brexit.”

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The controversy of imperial measurements is seen by many as the very heart of British euroscepticicm.

Some people attribute the birth of Brexit to the so-called Metric Martyrs, a group of brave shopkeepers who risked completely fictional prison sentences so as not to use a system where customers can easily work out if they are being fleeced.