The nation’s weary residents are once again preparing for lockdown during October, after Boris Johnson’s government categorically ruled it out.
After the government insisted there would not be an October lockdown in England, people across the country sighed in unison, “Great, another lockdown, that’s just what we need.”
Voter Simon Williams told us, “I’ll be honest, I was beginning to think lockdowns were a thing of the past – and then Boris’ lot had to go and say we definitely won’t be having another one. Thanks for nothing Boris.
“His track record as far as political honesty goes is far from stellar, and if they had just stayed silent on the matter I could have believed it was never going to happen – but not now he’s so publicly ruled it out.
“If there is one thing you can rely on from today’s government, it’s that if they make a promise, they will definitely break it – so I guess we just get planning for the next lockdown, right?”
Government junior health minister Derek Walden-Smythe told us, “When we say there are no plans for an October lockdown, we want you to take our word for it, not go looking at all the other things we gave our word on, like manifesto pledges on National Insurance or the £350m a week for the NHS. Would it really be so hard to believe we’re telling the truth this time?
“Oh, it would? Right.”
Meanwhile, some bookmakers have begun paying out on any bets predicting an October lockdown, insisting “It’s now as close to a sure thing as it’s possible to get.”