Monday 12 July 2021 by Arabin Patson

‘Historic’ final actually quite unlikely to be put into history books, insist cruel academics


Historian on England match

A grieving nation was further hurt this morning as the chroniclers of the age said that it was unlikely historians of the future would care about England losing at sport, and even less likely anyone would regard such a routine event as particularly significant.

Professor Simon Williams, head of the History Department at the University of Croydon, explained that calling football matches historic was more due to hyper-emotive projection than any real assessment on how noteworthy a 2-hour match of a slow ball game really is.

“I know it’s confusing as everyone has been claiming that the England team made history but the truth is that it’s very unlikely anyone in the future will give a shit.

“Were you taught who won the Euros in 1976? How about who won the Copa America just yesterday? I’m willing to bet you didn’t even know of the existence of the Africa Cup of Nations.

“The harsh truth is that sports are rarely considered important events in a given period unless something really special happens like Jesse Owens annoying Hitler or there’s a hostage situation going on. So England failing to win a tournament is certainly not going to make it, especially as it’s the usual result.”

Professor Williams did concede people could view the Euros as ‘historic’ in the purest sense of the word.

“Technically, history is any recorded event in the past. So yes, beating Denmark was historic but then again so is your Facebook post about your dog eating a pot plant. And so is that idiot putting a flare in his arse or that flabby guy’s tiny cock.

“Do you really want your grandkids to study that?”

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