Tuesday 13 July 2021 by Neil Tollfree

Public to be responsible for devising and enforcing all new Covid measures


Boris Covid measures

The Government has announced that the responsibility for both devising new preventative Covid measures and seeing that they are enforced will now lie with local communities.

Prime Minister and complete fucking bastard Boris Johnson confirmed yesterday that there would be no more Government-mandated Covid restrictions because it’s really difficult and he can’t be bothered. As such, the public will be expected take over responsibility for Covid measures from July 19th.

“This is a tremendous opportunity for the public at large to really roll up their sleeves and get involved in managing a pandemic response from a community level,” said Johnson, buoyant at not having to deal with Covid anymore.

“I would hope to see new Covid prevention committees set up at village or perhaps even street-level.”

He then gave some advice on how the public should go about implementing their own Covid measures.

“Well, firstly, you’ll need to read and understand the latest scientific research into coronavirus, and possibly even commission new studies from nearby major universities. It’s quite expensive, so you may need to hold a jumble sale.

“Next, the committee should decide on basic measures, mask mandates, social distancing and whatnot. You must balance efficacy with public opinion. You don’t want the parish newsletter turning against you.

“Finally, enforcement. Will you have the police enforce your new Covid policy, bearing in mind they might be quite busy with the Covid policy of the next street over? Alternatively, you could just trust the community to police itself.”

Finally, Mr Johnson made it clear that the Government would be offering no further help to communities.

“We’re done with it,” he confirmed.

“Mind you, that’s probably for the best, we really are absolute duffers at this sort of thing.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – see the full range HERE!

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